finally some thoughts i can share

First, thanks for all the congratulations! I'm glad the secret is finally out, because quite honestly that would explain so many things. I am glad to be able to open back up on this blog and share all my feelings and thoughts. I have felt a little lost without being able to do that lately. Writing here has become my favorite outlet. Yet, just like it was during the first 12 weeks of being pregnant with Blake, blogging made me want to throw up. Weird, I know. Good thing we have pregnancy to blame for all these weird things.

This time around has been so different than the last, but in many ways the same. For the past 14 weeks, I have been in survival mode. Our house looks like a tornado hit by 10 am and most often stays that way the entire day. I have had little motivation to cook and the thought of eating something I have just recently eaten makes me want to throw up. That's partly why I couldn't blog. Looking at pictures that reminded me of food or smells turned any sort of settled stomach into, well. We'll stop there. Thankfully, I have only thrown up once (and I think that was due to food poisoning). My heart really goes out to those who have morning sickness much  worse than me. Quite honestly, I wish I would have been able to just throw up and get it over with. 

I have been soooo tired. I used to  still take naps almost every time Blake does AND I go to bed early. I've always loved my sleep, but I don't remember the last time I saw later than 10:00 on the clock. Most of the time it's 9. I'm just cutting myself some slack because I'm sure my amount of sleep is only going to decrease from here on out. 

Cravings? Not really any big ones. I've mostly just wanted bland, simple foods. 

Working out? I've finally been able to exercise again without getting sick. 

Anyways, I'm sure you don't care to hear about all those details. But this is life and so I'll record it nonetheless. 

On a happier note, we are thrilled. Thinking that another little one is going to be joining our family in less than 6 months sends us to the moon. We have always wanted a big family and although we don't know if that is in the picture for us, we will graciously take whatever we are blessed with. 

Making it this far is a blessing. Soon after we found out, things just didn't feel right. I became overly worried that this might just be another trial of faith. Like the miscarriage I had before Blake was a trial of faith. I was sure that any day a miscarriage would happen and as pessimistic as it sounds, every morning I would wake up wondering if that day would be the day. It felt so different than being pregnant with Blake and felt so similar (as least what I can remember) of the pregnancy that turned into a miscarriage. I remember one night, however, reading in my scriptures and praying and finally coming to peace that whatever was going to be happen, it would all be okay. I finally let go of my will and let Heavenly Father's play out. My worries faded and now I just had to wait. And learn patience in patience. 

Because of Brandon's new job (which he accepted just a week before we found out--talk about perfect timing!), our insurance wouldn't kick in until April 1. Which meant I couldn't confirm anything with a doctor. All I wanted was to see that little heartbeat or know that my suspicions were correct. March seemed like an eternity. Waiting, waiting, waiting. Trying to learn patience and faith. 

Finally, April 1st came. We had the first appointment the midwives' had that day. It was a big day for my family of 3 (and hopefully 4). They did all the standard first appointment procedures and then at the very end,  they brought out the sonogram to check for the heartbeat. I laid on that bed-- my heart pounding-- and looking with uncertainty over at Brandon and Blake. Silence. Although my heart was pounding, I was just hoping she could find another heart pounding. She kept trying, but only to find nothing. She tried to calm our distraught hearts by saying that it could just be an active baby, but that we should do a real ultrasound to find out what was going on. 

But of course, there was a long wait for that. Again, more waiting, waiting, waiting. Still needing to learn patience and faith. As B and I talked about things, while Blake was crawling around the waiting room, we came to this conclusion: whatever the news was, we still had Blake, the little boy who has captured our hearts and makes life meaningful. It was all going to be okay. 

I guess you already know the outcome to this story, but for memory's sake, I've got write down what happened to be the sweetest moment Brandon, Blake, and I have had together (besides his birth, of course!) 

The ultrasound started and within the first few seconds, nothing showed up. There again is that "nothing" word. B and I looked at each other and could speak to each other with our eyes. But to our complete surprise, not a minute later, the midwife exclaimed, "there's the baby! I knew it was just an active one!" In one second we were heartbroken and the next, pure elation! We blurted out "Yay!" 

And then, perhaps the sweetest memory I have is looking over at Blake, who was grinning and clapping. He was just as much a part of that exciting and emotional moment than anyone in that room was. (I just hope his excitement remains once the baby is here.)

The midwife was right. It IS a very active baby. It was doing somersaults and moving its tiny little legs. I don't remember Blake being that active when we had his ultrasound. I fell in love immediately. 

It was real indeed! It is real indeed. We are having another baby. And although I'm sure our house is bound to be more crazy, more messy, and even more of a circus, I can't wait to have many more of those simple, yet memorable hand-clapping, exciting moments with the people that matter the most to me. It's going to be good. 

Whew! That was much longer than I thought it would be. So props to you if you made it through. And props to me for being up past 10! And props to Blake who is walking now (as of 10 days ago!)